Coaching in Action

To round out our November blog topic about coaching, we’ve decided to try something new. In order to give you a taste of what a coaching session could feel like, one of our gracious clients has agreed to have the notes from their session analyzed below so that you can get a better idea of what to expect. It tells a story of a moment in the life of a client and gives you some sense for how the conversation can take an unexpected turn.

Not every session brings a breakthrough, but some sessions can. This one, to you the reader, may not seem like a breakthrough, but for our client it was. We hope you find this helpful and offer our deepest thanks to our client for using a moment of vulnerability to help others possibly find solutions of their own through coaching.

Note: Names have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals involved.

Let's set the stage a little. Our client, Betsy, had been working with us for several months. We had built a decent rapport, which is why in the session we dove straight into the meat of it. Betsy came to us with a set of goals. She is a highly talented and motivated executive in the technology industry, focusing on the field of corporate operations. She had been #2 in a global department, reporting into a C-level executive for years. For years, she had aspired to be #1, but hadn’t made it there for a variety of reasons. Right before she started working with our executive coach, she had been promoted. Her boss left, and the CEO decided to give her a shot at the top seat. She was now a C-level executive. It may have been her first time in the role, but she was confident she knew what she was doing. She had all the business acumen, experience and skills. Yet, here she was nine months later in a darker and more unhappy place, thinking that everything she had worked for was at risk. In the end, she decided to hire a coach in order to unpack and understand where her concerns stemmed from, and how to solve it. 

The following transcript was formed from the notes taken by the coach during a pivotal session:

Coach: Betsy great to see you today, in our last session you mentioned you wanted to dive into a specific topic that has really been adding to your frustration and hampering your work. It had something to do with your peer relationships. Shall we start there today?

Betsy: Yeah — that’s been eating away at me; and while I didn’t want to spend a whole session on it, it is getting to the point that I am really concerned about how things are going. 

Coach: Tell me all about it.

Betsy: So you know that I’ve been feeling like my peers just don’t respect me or take me seriously in my role. I still think it is because I was promoted into the role. They kinda still see me as a #2 and I still feel this stigma that, while all of them are doing their C-level role, for the second, third or fourth time, this is my first time in the job. I can see it in how they interact with each other differently from the way they interact with me, and it is really hampering my ability to prove to my CEO that I can do this job. It is making me miserable. And to make it worse, I’ve had multiple conversations with her about needing her support in order to make my peers respect me, but she doesn’t seem to really understand the issue or want to make this her problem. I know that you shouldn't bring problems to your boss, especially when they are your CEO. But this isn’t working and I should be able to expect her to coach and address things with my peers.

Coach: So give me a specific example of the types of situations where you think your peers are not respecting you, and what sorts of bias might pop up in how they treat you differently from each other?

Betsy: Sure — so in my job I own how we manage our security, compliance and business metrics, funding and what sorts of big business decisions we make that impact the company. The CEO holds me accountable for those decisions as does the board of directors. One of my peers, Taylor, who runs the sales organization, comes to me to discuss some pretty big decisions that could change the nature and shape of where we are investing and some of our business metrics. She doesn’t ever ask. Our meetings are typically just her telling me what she plans to do, and expecting me, as her partner, to support her and make it work. If I ask any questions about these decisions, she gets defensive. If I comment on one of the business cases she has put forward, and offer my feedback or challenge her, she gets snarky. It has been going on for a while. In another case, Jamie, one of the executives who runs our engineering organization, has just stopped involving me in any of the major decisions he’s making in a similar vein. It used to be that we had a great relationship, but lately the types of decisions we used to partner together on, he is talking to my team, or other people in the operations division and I am getting to hear about it third hand. I confronted Jamie about how this wasn’t okay and his response was to tell me that he doesn’t find our partnership has been particularly successful and started giving me a host of examples for where apparently I haven’t partnered effectively with him. I just blew up. I mean - this is my job, these decisions are mostly mine to approve and I was totally surprised that he has the audacity to claim I have not been an effective partner. To make matters worse, when I addressed this with Melissa, my CEO and boss, her response was - to ask what I had done to make these relationships worse or better, and what I planned to do about it. I feel she just doesn’t have my back and I am questioning if she even wants me to be successful.

Coach: You seem very upset. Let me ask you a few questions. In your relationships with your peers, since taking this promotion, what conversations have you had with them about how you want to make your partnerships work and how you see your role, the decisions you should be participating in with them?

Betsy: Well initially I did have those conversations, more casual to be fair - but I was pretty clear about what my responsibilities require me to participate in and how serious those are. Like I explained those to Taylor and how Melissa and the Board of Directors holds me personally accountable for these things and why I need to both take these responsibilities seriously and be involved, but how I need to have a voice and it's my success on the line if we get this wrong.

Coach: In this example, do you think Taylor doesn’t care or is dismissive of your perspective and the role you play?

Betsy: Well I would like to think she is not, but if I watch her behaviors then I don’t really have any other explanation for it.

Coach: Let's experiment with something. Play along with me for a moment. Let’s assume Taylor does care and does take your success seriously, let’s imagine she gets it. What might be another explanation for her behavior? Why else might she approach your partnership in terms of telling you what she needs to do and expecting your support? Close your eyes for a second and imagine you are Taylor. What are you worried about? What are the things that most concern you? How would you see Betsy or work with Besty if you assume Taylor does care?

Betsy: Well maybe I would be assuming that Betsy and I are already on the same page. I am worried about making my numbers and I have a lot of pressure on me and my team to deliver. I am kinda focused on my own world and maybe I am just looking to cut through obstacles or just assume Besty is a bit of a pushover and will support me regardless. Maybe I care about the situation I am putting Betsy in but maybe I am not paying enough attention or don’t understand the consequences of the position I am putting her in.

Coach: Great, let's tug on a thread there. Why might she assume you are just going to get on board or that you are a pushover? Has there ever been a time where she had the opportunity to unambiguously understand that you don’t always agree with her. When was the last time you openly and assertively disagreed with her and pushed back?

Betsy: I have said in a few of our meetings that I am not sure that some of the things she wants to do can be supported and that I have to really look at various implications on the processes we have internally. But I guess maybe I haven’t really ever been clear if I disagreed with her.

Coach: What specific language do you use with her when you disagree with her?

Betsy: Well I usually say just that, that I am not sure what we can support what she wants to do.

Coach: What do you feel when someone you work with says the words “not sure”?

Betsy: Well it is ambiguous I guess, it means maybe they can or maybe they can’t - that they are on the fence and have to research the impact of a decision before committing to it or against it.

Coach: When you have said the words “not sure” to Taylor was it because you truly were not sure, you had no opinion firmly one way or another?

Besty: On occasion I guess. But actually I did already have the research and I had an opinion, I guess I was just using the words ‘not sure’ to try and find a compromise?

Coach: So Taylor cannot interpret those words as you firmly disagreeing, or you having an informed opinion. Taylor may interpret those words to mean, you are truly neutral. So she might even possibly assume that you are open to her decisions and want to support them? Would you entertain the possibility that Taylor doesn’t know or isn’t aware that you disagree with her a lot of the time? 

Betsy: That is a fairly strong possibility I think.

Coach: So let me be a little edgy here if I have your permission?  Remember I am on your side. We are getting frustrated at Taylor for behaving in a way, where she is possibly reacting to a viewpoint - of you and your opinions - that is wrong and has not been corrected?

Betsy: Yeah, that is probably a fair assumption.

Coach: Okay so keep playing with me on this. If we were to assume those things were true, what would you want to do with that assumption to correct this situation?

Betsy: I think I would need to be very clear with her. I do actually disagree with her. I have already done the research and understand what she is trying to do. And while I have empathy for her situation - I still also need to speak up and offer a counter argument that I think is valid. I think I need to help her understand that while I do empathize, I also have responsibilities. I would want her to know, I want to partner and find a compromise, but - that it is a two way street. And that maybe I haven't been as direct with her as I should have been.

Coach: Let’s hit the pause button on this for a second. I want you to take a moment and imagine you are in the room with Taylor and you are about to openly and clearly disagree and push back on her. Before you think about what you are going to say, pay attention to what’s going on inside your head right now. Your breathing and body language. What is coming up for you? I can sense even talking about it right now - I am seeing your face tighten and your breathing change.

Besty: To be honest, yes I am anxious. I don’t know why. I would be anxious confronting her.

Coach: Is expressing a factually informed but different opinion to someone, a confrontational experience for you?

Besty: Well no when you put it like that, just it isn’t something I have done a lot of in my new role and I am trying to build positive relationships with a group of people who used to be above me.

Coach: Let’s unpack this right now. Firstly  - you have pushed back and asserted your opinion to others right, long before you took this job. And you did so successfully, you don’t reach the levels of success you have seen without doing that and having the courage to do that. What is different about this - think for a second - remember how you push back on people you are comfortable pushing back on, what creates that comfort there  – and anxiety here?

Betsy: Because I know my stuff when I am pushing back on other peers, maybe the former peer group I was part of. We had been peers for a long time, or if I push back on my former boss or my team who report to me, they know me. They know I know what I am talking about, and that I never push back without having done the research and really understood the consequences. I am not partial - I am careful to always consider something, but when I have an opinion I make sure it is informed.

Coach: So this is good. You are confident when you push back in those situations because A - you know your stuff B - you aren’t biased and subjective and C - you trust that the people on the other side, value and respect you. So let’s ask - why would Taylor not feel the same things, you know your stuff, you aren’t biased and she values and respects you?

Betsy: Maybe because I really haven’t had that conversation with her. We have talked about my role and responsibilities as it relates to her role, but not really how I work or how she works and how I want to know she values and respects me.

Coach: And what would it take from you to have that conversation?

Betsy: Well we are both busy, and often our calls are rushed. I think we need to sit down and I need to ask her for some quality time to really get to know each other and understand what we need from each other. I think I have to have that conversation in a more casual personal setting too. I need to have her full attention on me. And ask for that.

Coach: Do you think she would be surprised to hear that you need affirmation that she values and respects you?

Betsy: Possibly, but I really don’t know.

Coach: What would your specific request of her be?

Betsy: That I am able to push back and openly disagree with her, without it becoming a conflict and without damaging our relationship, because we have to partner and - because I need her to value and respect my input.

Coach: Great - now let’s picture that conversation in your mind's eye. I want you to see Taylor smiling and saying, “well of course Betsy - I would expect nothing less and I already feel we have that relationship and trust”.  What comes up for you when she says that?

Betsy: Relief, I just want to be able to be direct, courteous but open and have a good working relationship with her. She is great at her job and I respect her, I just want it to be mutual.

Coach: Okay. So we have some homework for you and some topics for our next session. Firstly - you are going to plan that conversation out and you are going to label all the aspects of it that create anxiety for you. We will practice and role play that conversation until that anxiety has almost dissipated. For our next session however, we have some more threads to tug at. You said two things today consistently that caught my attention and I want you to think about them and do some self reflection on your next morning run. One - you seem to think that those who are your new peers, who were formerly the peers of your boss before you were promoted, are ‘above’ you. We need to dig into that, because anything that attaches a sense of hierarchy to people are your peers will not create effective working partnerships. You earned this job, you have earned the right to be their peers, they are not better or above you. Let’s ask why you still keep mentioning that or feeling that way and what we can do about it. Second - you also in this session and previous sessions talk about pushing back on people, disagreeing with people, as a form of conflict. In the next or a future session I am making notes to dig into this also. Here is my challenge to you. I want you to take the concept of disagreement and make a list. In one column I want you to list all the ways in which disagreement does cause conflict and what scares you about that. Then in a second column I want you to list all the reasons with real life examples you have experienced (at home or work) where disagreement does not cause conflict. Finally in a third column, being as vulnerable as you can possibly expose yourself to be - I want you to list all the ways in which conflict creates anxiety, concern, anger, fear, uncertainty for you. That is going to be a really helpful starting point for a conversation that I think is at the heart of everything you brought up today. Do I have your commitment that you will have all this homework brought to our next session? There won’t be a point to scheduling that session until that homework is done.

Betsy: Yes you do. I may need some help unpacking some of those lists, but I will make a commitment to take a stab at it.

Coach: That is great, unpacking things is what our sessions are there for. Let me repeat Betsy, you earned this job. Assume every time you open your mouth or walk into a room, that everyone else believes that too. If you assume that, given you are an incredibly respectful and very much not an arrogant person - I think you will see an automatic change both in how you feel but also how people react to you. People respond to positive assumptions. People respond well to people who have conviction in themselves and their abilities. Don’t project any of your own inner fears onto how others see you. Go into those moments and tap into the faith you really do have in yourself and let it shine. Let people see that confidence, let people in.

Betsy: Yeah thanks - I know I have that faith in myself, I really just got to be able to unlock it and clear the air with folks so I feel it and I feel they feel it too.

Coach: Great, let's pick this up next time.

As you can see from the session above, there is a strong level of comfort between the client and the coach. Like any other relationship, this can take months to build. Be patient with your coach and expect the first six months to be about settling in. As you can also see, the coach didn’t need to discuss every specific situation that Betsy raised. They didn’t discuss Jamie or Melissa. The coach used one specific situation to tug on threads of issues that were related. Sometimes, solving one issue can solve many. Finally, you can also see that the coach was focused on an actionable solution. The conversation with Taylor was something tangible that Betsy could do to make an immediate improvement and give her some agency in making progress. In the homework that the coach outlined for Betsy, it is clear that the conversation is not the only solution. 

There are deeper things to unpack and address so that any improvements can be long term and lasting. Those deeper things are about who Betsy is and how she can remodel her mindset and approach to pushing back on others. Disagreements are a critical part of her being able to be effective in her role as a leader and executive. It may take 4 or 5 sessions alone to address these deeper issues. The coach also asked some powerful questions. They challenged the client, but did so with care. In asking those questions, they balanced being an advocate for transformation, while clearly being a champion of their client by reiterating they believed in them. The client didn’t get confrontational or sensitive when asked those questions, because they trust that the coach is their champion and only ask them in service of their client. 

In summary a great coach/client relationship and session might or should include:

• A trusting relationship that has been built over time

• The willingness to be asked challenging questions/ the courage to ask challenging questions

• The coaches’ ability to convey care and conviction for the clients best interests

• The client’s willingness to be vulnerable enough and to trust their coach cares, even if they do ask those challenging questions.

• The use of somatics; often when we have to address anxiety, frustration, fear, sadness or anger, we don’t like to admit that is what we are feeling (especially about a job) or we struggle to understand our emotions. Noticing body language, verbal cues, breathing and how our bodies actually feel is a great tool to help clients unlock - their true reactions to a situation, and it is the start of helping them identify and overcome these if they are roadblocks.

• Finally, actionable steps are always embedded into a session. No session should just be talking and feelings. Critical to positive progress is that, no matter how small, there is always agency, an action, that a client can take to make an improvement. Completing productive homework, gives the client confidence in their ability to participate fully in their own development. It is empowering and it creates accountability. Whether your client can complete the homework or not (a topic for another time) is a vital part of ensuring that we can transparently co-commit to action.

If you would like to explore coaching options with professionals in the field, contact us here at Heylia Partners! We would be happy to schedule a 30-minute free informational session if we have availability